Let me make something clear upfront: this post will have very little hockey analysis, if any whatsoever. If you are looking for some hard-hitting facts on the Capitol’s lackluster play or Steven Stamkos’ killer slapshot, well I would advise you to Google it. Or if you also want to book an upcoming flight at the same time, maybe you could use Bing. Actually the difference is pretty much just personal preference, so feel free to use either service. They’re so similar! All I know is this is definitely the wrong place to look.
No, this post will delve into one of the greatest atrocities in facial hair history: Sidney Crosby’s mustache. I fully understand his reasoning behind it – he is currently riding a 24 game point streak (longest in the NHL since 1992-1993) and subsequently refuses to shave until the streak dies. It’s kind of like a playoff hockey beard... except significantly more selfish. Sure, he is the best player the game has seen since Gretzky, but that doesn’t mean he can just do whatever he wants willy-nilly (unbelievable usage of willy-nilly right there). My complaint is simple: there is no solidarity in this act of his. It would be one thing if the whole team joined Crosby in the mustache growing game, but this is just one guy commemorating his own excellence. It’s like forcing my friends to watch me set Facebook Snake and Data Worm records while taking pictures of me to document my achievements. And I would never do that.
There is also no conceivable way this mustache is beneficial to his performance on the ice. Other players must taunt him mercilessly with jeers like,"Sweet 'stache...LOSER!" and "Get those pubes off your lip...LOSER!". The constant teasing can only diminish a man's confidence. You would also think the sweat accumulation of just underneath his nose would emit a foul odor during gameplay, and it stands to reason his skills have suffered because of it (why would this be the case? I don't know but it's my blog so don't ask questions). This would lead to a decrease in the all important swagger department which, as we all know, is the key ingredient behind almost every athletic, entrepreneurial, and sexual success story. And as a Canadian, Crosby is naturally blessed with less vile swagger than American born athletes, so he really can't afford to forfeit any. To save Sid from himself, I say it's time we take a stand. That is why we here at the blog are officially starting the "Make Sidney Crosby Shave even though his Points Streak is Still Intact" movement. Due to the blog's current limited audience (Hi Mom!), I expect this effort to gain little to no traction.
My fascination with Sidney's prepubescent facial hair was born when I began watching HBO's 24/7 Penguins Capitols, a behind the scenes look at two Eastern Conference powers coping with the ups and downs of an NHL season. It might sound like insubstantial praise, but the show genuinely made me care. 24/7's power is derived from its simplicity - the humanization of people leading incomprehensibly different lives than our own. Those 60 minutes compelled me to have an opinion on pressing issues like Sidney Crosby's lady tickler and Max Talbot's fashion sense, and I found myself rediscovering the NHL I had abandoned as a kid a decade earlier. It's still too early to celebrate hockey's American renaissance - its staying power remains to be seen - but for now, I eagerly await next Wednesday's episode, hoping against all odds that I've seen the last of the hideous 'stache.
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